Heiko Meets Fraudley

Hi - I'm Steve.  I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet.  Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast.  Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?".  I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets.  But he's sure fun to write with.  Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me.  Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made!  He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them.  You better be able to read E-bonix!

Sheeeeeit!  Id'z been sum long time since Ah wrotes a lil Heiko story, an Ah knows y'all MISS'T mah ass!  So Ah'm back heah now, an' Ah'm fittin' t' tell y'all about some o' dis NEW fun Ah been havin'!

If choo jus' climbin' in heah fo' de fust tahm, ya needs t' MEET me in mah otha' chapta'.  Ah ain' no normal dog, Bubba, 'n when ya reads mah "Introduction" story, right away ya know DAT!  Cause Ah'm Heiko, 'n don' no otha dog in de WORL'T kin do whut AH kin do!

Ah wuz all up in dere wit' Steve one day, 'n gawddamn if he don' be havin' a computa'!  When Ah fust walked in, he wuz all workin' on some shit, call't it a "web page", so Ah fired up a Snarlboro, bust't open a beer, sat mah ass down, 'n Ah watched 'im fo' awhile.  Gawddamn!  Wad id IZ, Mama!  Wad id WUZ?  Steve pretty quick on dat keyboar't, an' de gawddamn pages wuz FLYIN'!

Soon's he gots done wit his pages, he ax me whut Ah been doin' lately.  So Ah tol't 'im, Ah wuz all up dere by dis video dog dude in sum LEERKOPF place.  Well, sheeeeit!  He slow't mah ass down, bust't me anotha' beer, bust't one fo' his OWN se'f, 'n started writin' mah story down fo' y'all.  'N now - heah id IZ, Bubba!

Ah fust went up dere to see fo' mahse'f whut dis Fraudley dude be's all up to in dis LEERKOPF place o' his.  Id'z been awhile when Ah made dem famous movies 'bout "A Dog Called Stud", 'n Ah knowed Ah kin make sum LEERKOPF movies, 'n den we all gone gets RICH 'n FAMOUS!  'Cause Ah'm a gawddamn STAR!

Well, lemme tell ya Bubba, Ah din't figger it out.  Dis be de FUST gawddamn time Ah gots all confused 'n shit wid peoples.  Ah'll 'splain ....

See, Ah walked all up in dis heah LEERKOPF office, 'n sho'nuff, dere wuz Ed, see? all typin' away on dis computa'.  So Ah lef' den, see?, 'n Ah comes back a week lata'.  Well sheeeit!  Ed Fraudley wuz still right up in dere, in de same ol' smelly clothes 'n all, still typin', but on'y Ah seen't all dis HAIR all ova' de gawddamn desk!  Ah neva' SEEN'T no hair all on sum DESK befo'!  'N Ed Fraudley be's look't like he jus' gots a gawddamn crewcut wid a nailclippa', o' sumpin'!  Had dat ol' Charlie Manson look, sump'n likes a hippie doper thang, but on'y messier.  Ah kinda like't it!

Ah seen't 3 o' dem computa' monitor dojigger thangs layin' all in de corner, look't like somebody punch't a HOLE in 'em!  O' maybe sling't a BRICK!  Sheeeit!  Ah dunno, but dey wuz plenny glass 'n shit all layin' aroun'!

In jus' a few minnits, somethin' musta happen't wit dat computa', see?, cause den, Ed Fraudley start screamin', an' rippin' out sum MO' hair fum his haid!  He keep DAT shit up, pretty soon, 'n he be lookin' like a gawddamn Dobe wid RINGWORM! 

Ah look't ova', an' gawddamn if Ah din't see Ed's PITCHER, right dere on de computa' screen!  So AH scream't too!  Cause dat pitcher be's scare't de shit outa ME, Bubba!  Look't like sum brown table, a upsidedown fox, 'n Ed, all smilin' 'n pointin' by sum BOWLS 'n shit!  No WONDA' he scream't!  'N den, Ah look't closa', 'n Ah seen't dis wuz STEE'S table!  Sheeeiiit!  AH knows dat table!  AH been on dat table twennyfo' hunnit times!

Den, Ed Fraudley wuz all cryin' an' moanin' to hisself up in heah, 'bout sum immoral shit he seen't on dis website, 'n de nex' thing ya know, he wuz drinkin'.  Well, he shoulda AXED me, an' Ah woulda showed him all abouts dem G.E. Specials, de kin't ya mix Ebbin William 'n Mella Yella - equal parts, see? - 'n den stir it all up.  Ebbin be's sum serious shit, Bubba, 'n he kin makes GRABITY disappear!  Ah dun had mah ass WHUPPED by Ebbin!

As Ah wuz lookin', Ah seen't dis lil' box pop up dere on his screen, see?, say "You've Got Mail!", an' de gawddamn computa' be's playin' some MUSIC, den, see?  Sheeeit!  Ah figgered "Whut'n'd'fuck's DIS?  A gawddamn JUKEBOX?"  'N de music SUCK'T, Bubba!  Shit sound like sum gawwdam Gay-Rap music!  'N Ed Fraudley be all boogalatin' t' dis music, Bubba!  Ed look't in hi' mail, 'n somebody musta tol't 'im sum shit bout's sum copyrights.  'N den he wuz firin' off all dese emails, cryin' 'n cussin', 'n lookin' all piss't.  Sheeeiiit!  Ah thought dat wuz funny, Jack!

All of a sudden, de file cabinet open't up ALL BY ITSELF, 'n AH think it barkedDat's RI'!  A gawddamn FILE CABINET, doin' a sho'nuff HOLD 'N BARK?  Maybe dere's sum gawddamn VOODOO goin' on in heah!  Den, a whole buncha copyright forms comes flyin' out dis drawer - Ah thought de gawddamn drawer PUKED!  Ah look't over dere, 'n Ed Fraudley wuz real busy, crawlin' aroun't down dere on hi' hands 'n knees, tryin' t' find de right form fo' sum articles he dun thought he wrote.  Sheeeiiiit!  Ah wuz watchin', 'n thinkin', gawddamn - dis dude plum need a secretary all up in heah!  Wit dis kinda mess, choo cain't find shit!

He wuz all droolin', 'n mumblin' t' hisself, 'n pourin' down dem drinks fast's he could!  So den, he call't up 411, 'n 911, 'n 611, 'n de gawddamn Crisis Center!  'N den he call't A.A., N.A., NAACP, 'n his lawyer, 'n de FBI, 'n de Federal Court, but nobody knowed where he put the gawddamn thing, 'n DEN, he pull't out sum MO' hair!  Ah wuz watchin' dis, an' Ah wuz real interested, see?, cause Ah ain't neva' SEEN'T nobody be pullin' out dey own hair like dis befo'!  Sheeeiit!

Den, all of a sudden, Ed Fraudley gots real quiet, 'n he gots real calm, 'n he mixed hisse'f anotha' drink.  A triple.  Ah wuz thinkin' Holy Jesus, Holy Jesus!  Ah KNOWS sum shit be's fittin' t' happen up in heah! 

Lawd Gawd he'p us all if it got anything t' do wit' a THREE LEGGED MONKEY 'n a BAT 'n a pan fulla BLUE PISS!  De LAS' thing Ah needs is dat Voodoo Lady - Miz Rudolph - dey name't her afta' dat DEAH - all up in heah, de one wit de tattoo on each tittie!   Got a EYE on one tittie, 'n a pair o' LIPS on de otha' tittie.  'N Ah be's prayin' t' Gawd Ah don' ha' t' KISS nothin', see?  Dat woman scare't de shit outa ME , wit' dat big mo' fu' TARANTULA!  Shit crawled all up mah ARM, 'cross mah NECK -- Ah tried t' MASH 'im - but he wuz GONE!!  Lawd, please save me fum DAT shit again! 

He dug out de phone fum up under all dem papers 'n shit, 'n den he call't Miz Cleo, de famous voodoo lady fum on de TBDat's RI'!  Don'choo know Ah kin hear all o' de conversation, so Ah lissen't in.  Ah din't wanna miss DIS, no SUH!

Ed Fraudley tells de Cleo lady, "Madame Cleo, I need some help with a problem I'm having."  'Bout den, Cleo gots Ed's credick card numma, 'n so Ah knowed dat his 3 free minnits wuz UP, Bubba.  She knowed Ed, so Ah figgered out right away dis heah wuzn't hi' FUST tahm, 'n it sho'nuff won't be hi' LASS!

Ed Fraudley ax her, "How much do you charge to put a mojo on Steve Leigh in Tampa, Florida for me?"
Den Cleo ax Ed, "Whutchoo need, Ed?  Talk to me.  Relax, 'n explain the situation.  I'm here to help."

Ed Fraudley start tellin' her all dis shit about sum website, 'n de tables, 'n a fox, 'n survivin', 'n de messages, 'n shit, 'n Madame Cleo gots Ed t' talkin' fo' abouts 9 gawddamn hours, 'splainin', 'n doin' dem mood swing dojigger thangs.  Choo hear't o' BI-POLAR?  Sheeeit!  Ah wuz watchin' 'im careful, see?, 'n Ed's BI wuz plum polarizin' its ASS off!  Ah figgered it gone get up pas' a TRI befo' long!

Ah wuz havin' a real good time, 'n when Ed Fraudley wuzn't lookin', Ah jus' kep' pourin' 'im sum mo' drinks!  Soon as Ah gets de chance, Ah'm slippin' outa heah fo' some Ebbin William.  Dis shit Ed Fraudley be's drinkin' ain't no EBBIN, Bubba!

By now, Ah knowed Ed's credick be daid in de wata', 'cause he dun talked his way up t' abouts $27,831.  Miz Cleo ain't no fool, see?, 'n she been watchin' de credick clock limit, so den she ax 'im, "Ed, did ya try Voodoo Louie?"

Well, DEAH GAWD JEEZUS!  DAT'S when Ed Fraudley went apeshit, den, see?  He bit the gawddamn phone in half, 'n kick't de file cabinet over, tore out sum hair, 'n den he BARKED at the freakin' COMPUTA'!  Ah wanted t' laugh, 'cept Ah couldn'tAh'm bitin' a hole in mah gawddamn LIP, see?  Blood 'n shit all trinklin' down!  But de gawddamn file drawer wuz growlin' at HIM, see?, so den he took a broom, 'n poked de SNOT out of it!  DAT'S when Ah smell't de anal gland stuff, 'n Ah knowed right away, Ah betta' DO sumpin' in a hurry, up in heah.  Ah could sense trouble on de way.  Iz been a long tahm comin', Bubba.

Ah din't move fas' enuff, see?, 'n de phone rang.  Ed Fraudley run all out de office, 'n go fin't a phone dat he DIN'T bite, 'n den he come back up in heah wit dat new phone.

Ah heard 'im talkin', 'n it wuz sum credick company lady, all laughin', checkin' 'n axin' did he REALLY jus' run up ova' 27 thou' on de psychic hotline?  Den, de lady ax why din't he jus' call Voodoo Louie right away?  She said, "Didn't you know, Voodoo Louie has much cheaper rates?"

Dat's when Ah seen't Ed's eyes start rollin' all aroun't, hi' face turn't all red, 'n gots PUFFY, 'n Ah seen't sum pills all jumpin' 'n leapin' aroun't in sum bottles, tryin' t' get OUT!  'N gawddamit  -  dey DID!  Dey got OUT!  Wuz all dese lil' pills, Baliums, 'n Forazines, 'n dey wuz all OVA' dat desk, see?, dancin' aroun't wit' dat gawddamn Gay-Rap music playin'!  Ah wuz waitin' fo' his HAID t' start spinnin'!  Sum o' Ed's hairs wuz creepin' all aroun', ova' dere by the edge o' de desk, 'n dey look't like dey wanted to come back, 'n be's all on his haid, but den dey gots a lil' nervous, 'n jus' laid dere real quiet.  Dey wuz submissive!

Sheeeeiiit!  Afta' dis 'scitement, Ah needed me a friggin' res'.  But Ah knowed Ah wuz gonna ha' me sum FUN wit' dis Ed Fraudley guy, 'n so Ah wuz already plannin'.  Ah snagged a bottle o' Ebbin, 'n Bubba, Ah wuz laughin' so gawddamn hart, Ah liketa choke

Nex' thang, I decided t' hypnotize Ed.  Den, Ah hypnotized sum dog, hi' name wuz Otis, 'n Ah hid 'im in a crate, 'bout a mile away.  Ah tol't Otis whut Ah wuz 'bout's t' do, 'n he laughed hi' ASS off in dat crate!  Ah promise't Ah come back in a while, 'n den he kin go up 'n he'p me playin' dese games wit Ed.  Dat dog gots sum sense o' HUMOR, Bubba!  I LIKE'T 'im!

Den Ah come back, 'n suggested t' Ed Fraudley dat AH wuz OtisDat's when de fun started up, den, see?  Choo gotta read dis shit REAL CAREFUL, 'n follow de gawddamn program up in heah.  Don'choo miss NONE o' DIS

Ah tol't Ed Fraudley t' go 'head on, 'n write sum messages on de computa' dat WUZN'T FUM HIM.  So den he logged on, 'n wrote a whole BUNCHA gawddamn messages, 'n made up some fake name dojiggers, too.  Den Ah woke 'im up.

Well sheeeeit!  When Ed seen't dem messages, he started rippin' out hi' hair by de HAN'FUL!  He call't Miz Cleo, but she wuzn't talkin' see?, cause de credick wuz all used up.

So Ah hypnotized hi' ass again .... Den Ah tol't 'im t' blame it all on Stee'!,  Ah showed hi' how to save all dem messages fo' sum  EBIDENCE, den Ah tol't 'im t' call up on de phone t' Roadrunna', 'n make sum complaints on hi' ass!  Ah wuz fittin' t'fuck wit' 'im, Bubba!  'N den Ah woke 'im up again.

Soon's hi' eyes open't, Ed Fraudley start screamin' ....

"STEEEEE'! STEEEEE'! STEEEEE' LEEEEEEEEEE!"

LAWD GAWD AWMIGHTY up in hebbin!  Sheeeeiit!  Ah knowed Stee' could hear 'im fum up HEAH!  Ah wuz laughin' so gawddamn hart, till mah ears flopped!  Ah couldn't even wag mah own gawddamn TAIL, Bubba!  Ah knowed dis iz IT!  We 'bouts t' have us sum FUN up in heah!  Ah wish't t' Gawd Ah knowed abouts de video camera - Ah woulda made a gawddamn MILLION DOLLA' MOOBIE!

Ed Fraudley gots connected t' sum peoples in Tampa fum dat computa' place, Roadrunna', 'n he wuz raisin' all KINDA hell wit 'em!  Dey made 'im holt on de fone so dey could do a FULL IMBESTIGASHUN, 'n while he wuz holtin', Ah look't at de WHOLE GAWDDAMN WEBSITE MAH OWN SE'F!  Lawdy, lawdy!  Stee' din't tell me bout none o' DIS

Dem computa' peoples lef' Ed Fraudley on holt fo' hours, 'n he wuz goin' plum crazy!  He call't 'em near 'bout sebenteen tahms, 'n made sum formal complaints - he wuz runnin' de fonebill out de ROOF!   But dem SUPABIZER peoples fum Roadrunna' wuzn't havin' no NONE o' dis shit, see?  Dey jes' kep' tellin' Ed "UNFOUNDED".  Lawd Jeezus, he wuz plum screamin' hi' ASS off!

Den Ah look't at Ed, 'n decided t' hypnotize 'im again.  Dis time, Ah wanted t' try sum o' his attitude adjustin' shit, 'n play a lil' game, t' see 'zactly whut he gone do wit an AGGRESSIVE dog.

So Ah sat 'im down dere by his computa', woke hi' ass up, 'N AH LET 'IM SEE ME!  'N den Ah BIT 'im - a good one - in hi' HAND!  Ah clamped down plenny, 'n Ed Fraudley wuz howlin', 'n moanin', 'n shriekin', 'n screamin'!

"SIT!  DOWN!  FUSS!  PLATZ!  AUS!  OUT!  LEAVE!  IT!  OTIS!  REDDING!  JAMES!  BROWN!"

Sheeeeiiiiit!  Ah wuz sho' NUFF hysterical by DEN, Bubba!  He was all grabbin' at mah lil' colla', so den Ah bit 'im in de OTHA' hand, too!  Ah wanted t' see all about dis broom 'n snot routine, so Ah dragged hi' dumb ass right ova' by de broom, 'n gawddamn if he din't pick it UP!

Well sheeeeit!  Dat wuz hi' FUST BIG mistake, see?  Nothin' Fum Nothin' Lea' Nothin', Ah let 'im poke me TWICE wit dat broom, see?, 'n den Ah took de gawddamn broom, 'n Ah made DUSS outa it, see?  Look't like sawduss!

Ah puts Ed Fraudley in a SIT, 'n Ah decide't it wuz TAHM, Bubba ..... TAHM t' give Ed Fraudley sum educashun 'bouts dogs, 'SPECIALLY dogs dat TALK.

Ah look't Ed Fraudley square in de gawddamn eyes, he wuz all fold't up in de gawddamn chair, 'n Ah TOL'T 'im ...... "You ain't no neva' SEEN'T no gawddamn dog like ME  befo'!"  His eyes gots all huge 'n roun't, 'n gawddamn if he din't piss hisself!  Yeah - dat's RI'!  Piss't all OVA' de place!  Lawd knows whut he was thinkin', but he come all up outa dat chair yellin', "Otis, I'll kill ya!"  'N so Ah tossed hi' ass ri' back down in de chair again, 'n Ah tol't 'im, "SIT MEANS SIT!"

'Zactly den, de gawddamn phone rang, see?, 'n de answerin' machine got it.  Wuz a message fum Fred Hassen, sayin' sump'n abouts a trademark, o' sump'n like dat!  'N Fraudley gots NO RIGHT to USE dat trademark!  

Ah don't think Ed Fraudley wuz fully comprehendin' whut wuz happenin', 'n he come boilin' all up out dat chair AGAIN.  So Ah snatched hi' chump ass offa de floo', tossed 'im off a wall, bitchslapped 'im, 'n placed hi' ass BACK in de chair, 'n den, Ah plum got in hi' FACE!

"Choo think you ready, Bubba?  Den now'z d' tahm t' BUST A MOOV' on ME!"  Ah pull't out mah bottle o' Ebbin, 'n pour't mahse'f a double shot.  "Ain't no gawddamn dog in de WORL'T gone put sum trainin' on yo' ass like ME, Ed!  Ah'm de one 'n ON'Y Heiko!"  Ah wuz fittin' to drive a truck right up on hi' ass, he break dis gawddamn sit again!

Dat idiot sittin' dere, wet pants, all droolin' on hisse'f, 'n he call't me OTIS!

"Otis mah ASS, Ed!  Otis DAID, gawddamn it, in Lake Monona, ova' in Madison, on December 10th o' 1967, 'n don'choo be callin' ME no OTIS!  Dis heah be's Heiko, 'n YO' ass be's in MAH gawddamn trainin' class now!  Choo gimme sum gawddamn R-E-S-P-E-C-T,  o' yo' whole WORL'T fittin' t' change!  Dis heah ain't no Dock O' De Bay shit, Bubba!"

Den Ah hypnotized 'im again, 'n Ah made 'im FO-GET all dis shit Ah jus' done to 'im!  Ah turn't 'im loose outside, 'n he wuz walkin' aroun' in circles, all shakin' hi' head, hands tremblin' 'n all.  Den Ah went 'n turn't Otis loose, 'n we went shoppin' fo' awhile, 'n lookin' at cute bitches.

Lata' dat day, Ah seen't on de computa' dat sum peoples wuz accusin' Ed Fraudley 'cause he don' be's likin' no BLACK peoples.  Dey wuz sayin' he wrotes sum o' dis RACIAL shit, 'n dey blame't Ed Fraudley fo' callin' sum peoples NIGGASDat's RI'!  Now Ed Fraudley say he din't DO dis, 'n dat he gots no racial problems wit no black peoples, 'n he wuz writin' dat he KNOWED who did it, 'n he gots de EBIDENCE!!  He blame't it all on STEE'

Fraudley say he be LIKIN' black peoples.  Ah wuz glad t' hear dat, 'n DAT'S whut give me dis great idea.

Ah look't ova dere at 'im, 'n Ah wuz thinkin' "Damn!  Dis boy hair be's ALL fucked up!   Ah should DO sump'n t' HE'P him!"

So Ah quick hypnotized 'im, 'n sent hi' raggedy dumb ass all aroun't, pickin' up all hi' ol't hair.  Ah made 'im clean off de desk, 'n puts all dat hair in sum plastic baggie - one o' dem ziplock kind, see?, so's de hair don't be fallin' all back out.

Den Ah foun't de gawddamn phone book, 'n look't aroun't t' find ZACTLY de right place fo' Ed Fraudley t' gets hi' hair all ficks up.  Ah hadda look, 'n look, ' look, 'n den finally - DERE IT WUZ PRINCESS PROCESS PARLOR!  Ah knew right away DIS be de place fo' Ed Fraudley 'n hi' gawddamn hair, so Ah call't dere on de phone, 'n Ah spokes wit Miz LaKeesha.

"Yo' Baby!  Princess Process Parlor, dis be LaKeesha speakin'!"

"Good mornin' Miz LaKeesha!  Ah have a fren', 'n sum o' hi' hair plum fell out, but we dun caught it, 'n Ah gots it right heah, in dis plastic bag.  D' ya think you kin he'p 'im?  De boy lookin' terrible like dis heah, 'n  so we got's t' ficks 'im UP!  Kin ya he'p us please?"

"Sho' can - Ah kin do all o' dat, 'n weaves, 'n nails, 'n piercin', 'n Ah even do sum psychic READINS, too!"

So Ah ax, "Miz LaKeesha?  D' ya know Miz CLEO?"

"Sheeeeit!  Sho'nuff Ah DO!  She useta come all up in heah t' gets her hair 'n nails done, befo' she gots all rich 'n famous on us!  Sheeeiit!  Ah knowed her when she wuz ho'in' in Dallas!"

Well, Ah knowed right away, dis wuz 'zactly de place fo' Ed.  So Ah slapped a quick "travel trance" on hi' ass, 'n made 'im think we wuz goin' t' de airport.  Instead, Ah had 'im follow de direction down t' de Princess Process Parlor, 'n dere wuz Miz LaKeesha, right dere, waitin' on us!  Soon's Ah seen't her, Ah slipped a lil' hypno on her ass, made her think she be seein' Ike Turner when she lookin' at me, so she don't be freakin' out 'bout talkin' wit a dog!

Ah lef' hi' ass in de car, 'n wen' on in.  De place wuz beautiful, man!  Miz LaKeesha look't at me 'n said "Gawddamn boy!  Choo know whut?  Ya looks jus' like Ike Turner when he wuz a young stud!"  She took de bag o' hair, 'n look't out de winda at Ed, 'n we dun talked about whut style would be de VERY BESS fo' Ed.

Fust, Miz LaKeesha wanted t' do a sculptured Stevie Wonda look, wid dem beads 'n shit, 'n den she wuz talkin' bout Barry White, 'n sum triple chili cheeseburger hairdo.  Ah look't aroun't at all dem pitchers on de walls, 'n Ah wuz gettin' confused up in heah!

Finally, Miz LaKeesha say we jus' gone put de ol't hair back on, 'n give 'im a simple lil' weave, wid a few dreadlocks, fo' sum style 'n emphasis!  Sheeeiiit!  Dat sound't good t' ME - Ah wen' out dere, 'n unhook't Ed, 'n bring't hi' ass up IN heah!  Ah still had 'im hypnotized, 'n he thought he wuz jus' sittin' aroun', waitin' fo' sum airplane o' sump'n.

Miz LaKeesha set 'im down, 'n gots t' work on hi' hair, 'n in no tahm, she had all de ol't hair glue't back dere on hi' haid!  Den she started in wit' de braidin' 'n weavin' shit, 'n befo' long, Ed Fraudley wuz lookin' GOOD!  Took a couple hours, 'n afta' dat, Ed Fraudley wuz lookin' like Whoopie, o' de Rastafari Man, o' somebody, but wit' sum GOL'T streaks up in dere too!

One thang fo' sho' .... de dude had sum HAIR!  She be all braidin' away, 'n Ah noticed she be usin' some kinda stuff in a can on all dat hair.

Ah axed her, "Miz LaKeesha?  Whut's dat stuff all up in dat can dere?"

"Dis heah's a hair creme, iz call't Loddy-Loddy-Doo Pomade, 'n iz de BESS dat money kin BUY!"

Sheeeit!  Ah like't DAT!  'N den she tol't me she gone give Ed Fraudley a whole year supply o' dis pomade shit when we be's leavin', so's t' keep him lookin' patent-leatherish about hi' HAID!  'N PLUS, she gone give 'im a special ice pick, so's he kin get in dere, 'n scratch at de itches, too.

Ah knew den dat Ah mades de ri' choice, cause Ed Fraudley wuz sho'nuff lookin' fine.  Miz LaKeesha ficks him up so good, Ah couldn't WAIT t' take hi' ass out 'n aroun't, 'n show 'im off to de ladies.  Dat part comin' right up.

Shown above: Ed Fraudley proudly looking 45 years younger with his new dread 'n weave look
courtesy of Miz LaKeesha and Princess Process Parlor

(This photo was taken just minutes before Ed mixed it up with those 3 pimps)  

When Miz LaKeesha wuz all done, Ah took dat pitcher o' Ed, cause he wuz lookin SOOO good 'n SOOO fine, 'n Ah KNOW whut's on hi' min'!  Den Ah walked hi' good lookin' ass around de neighborhood a lil. 

Few blocks away, dey wuz three dudes, leanin' all on dey pimpmobiles, 'n dey look't Ed ova' good.  Dey wuz havin' a helluva laugh on Ed 'n dat hairdoo o' his!  Dey call't ova' to 'im, "Yo, Bro!  Wadidiz?  Whut dat suppos't t' be?"

4 o' 5 ho's was all standin' dere too, 'n dey gather't roun' Ed, talkin' a lil trash.  One of 'em axed Ed do he want a DATE!  So Ed start talkin', 'n dey wuz all discussin' dat real PRI-BIT shit, so Ah din't lissen, nosuh.  Wuzn't no none o' MAH bidness! 

Nex' thang Ah know, de ho wuz bitchslappin' the SHIT outa Ed!  Ah mean, she plum knocked hi' ass inta TOMORRA'!  Den, dem 3 pimps climbed in dere, and they whupped on Ed till he peed hisself AGAIN, 'n had him crawlin' aroun' like a lil' puppy, bout fo' week old!  Ah knowed right away Ah betta' stop DIS shit, 'fo dey KILL'T hi' dumb ass up in heah!

So Ah bit de daylights outa dem pimps.  Ah puts so much shit on one of 'em, he run all down de road NAKED!  Ah turn't 'roun't 'n puts some HURTIN' on dem otha pimps, too.  Sheeeeeit!  All dem pimps 'n ho's disappeared!

But Lawd Gawd In Hebbin Above!  Ed was HALLUCINATIN'!  He be's thinkin' he did that shit HISSE'F!!  Cause he wuz still all hypnotized fum befo'!  He be's all struttin' aroun', actin' like he whupped dem pimps AND Mike Tyson - wit ONE HAN'!  Sheeeit!  Ah hadda get dis fool outa dere right quick, 'fo we ALL get's kill't up in heah.

So den Ah made 'im dri' back up to de LEERKOPF place so's we could gets back t' work fo' awhile.  We went all back up dere by de office, 'n Ed Fraudley wuz pattin' all on hi' new hair, actin' like a lil' stud!  De boy wuz struttin' all aroun' just like dem ho's ya see downtown!  Ah shoulda made 'im wear high heels!

Ah'm gone finish dis, but FUST, lemme tell ya bout DIS:

Ed Fraudley wuz gonna do sum NEW video all abouts sum "Surviving Table Training", 'n Ah knowed right away, Ah wuz gonna dig DIS!

Ed Fraudley had dis great idea, see?, 'n he wuz gonna make dis video wit 3 helpers 'n 3 dogs, but on'y he didn't have no gawddamn SCRIPT wrote up fo' de talkin' part, see?  He knowed all abouts how de table training works, but he wuz missin' all de dialogue fo' dis video.  So right away, Ah knowed whut Ah wuz gonna do!  Ah wuz gonna write up de gawddamn SCRIPT!  An' den, Ah wuz gonna sho'nuff hypnotize dem helper dudes, 'n make SURE dat Ed Fraudley follow dis script word-fo'-gawddamn-WORD!  By de tahm AH'M done, de whole worl't be's talkin' 'bout Fraudley new video, see?
 

"Hey Bubba!  Getcha gawddamn dawg up here!  That's right, put him right up on this here table!"
"Nice dawg - how old is he?  What in 'a hell kinda dawg IS this?"
"6 months, huh?  He bitin' yet?"
"We're gonna demonstrate how to use a table to choke the dog till he's unconscious OR he bites."
"Is the video rolling?"
"We gonna slam some survival shit on him, and he be bitin' in no time."
"This brand new technique is called "fight-or-die", and wait till ya see it."
"We can turn any dog into a protection dog with this secret technique."
"Genetics don't mean shit!"
"OK, he's all hooked up good, now throw him offa the table, and see if he wants to bite."
"What?  Well throw him off again."
"Try it one more time.  He almost bit that time."
"OK good, this'll make a helluva training tape once a few hundred copies are made."
"Now let's get that young dog up there on the square table, so he can shit and piss all over it."
"Here ya go, hold this electric collar, and shock him on his balls."
"I know, I know, it's only piss, don't let it bother you.  It'll wash off."
"Well of COURSE he's moving!  A good helper can shock his balls ANYWAY!"
"Then shock him some more."
"Whoa!  He didn't shit?  Shock him on his balls!"
"Huh?  - Well keep it there for awhile till he DOES shit!"

Sheeeiiiit!  Ah knowed DIS be a good start, Bubba!  Whut a video DIS gonna be!  Choo jus' hold on, an' I get the rest o' dis done someday SOON!
 

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