Heiko Talkin' 'Bouts De PO-LICE!
Hi - I'm Steve. I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet. Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast. Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?". I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets. But he's sure fun to write with. Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me. Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made! He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them. You better be able to read E-bonix!
Notice, dig dis: Dis story written by Heiko - some soulful dog who kin speak, hypnotize, and do bankin' by touch tone phone. Sheeeiit. Heiko's been writin' stories fo' years.
Ah ain't written some Heiko story fo' quite awhile. Sheeeiit. Dings gots been busy, and Ah waited fo' sump'n baaaad t' happen.
Well, sumpin' baaaad DID happen. Right On! Dat ol' Steve, gots hooked up wit dis Tampa Police K-9 fella, Bo-Jangles, see? He used t' gots one o' dem big-head, roll butt Fatweilers, 'n den he says "Neva' 'gain!" see? De dog passed away 'n Bo-Jangles needed some NEW dog, so's Steve wuz gonna he'p 'im git some dog. What it is, Mama!
Fust, he wuz tryin t' git Steve's Corey dog. What it is, Mama! Now DAT wuz interestin' dude! Steve can't sell dat Corey dog cause he love him so's - 'n Bo-Jangles wuz offerin him all dat bread PLUS some few cases o' beer fo' de Corey dog. Right On! Sheeeiit. Right On! Ah knowed right away dat Steve wuz gonna play dat surprise on 'im. Right On! Ol' Steve say he gotta gets "8 down" on de dog, 'n at fust, Bo-Jangles be dun fell fo' dat. Right On! But he foun' out Steve wuz talkin' bout 8 THOUSAND down. Right On! Dat's when he mosey on down, yellin' 'n carryin' on, bout don' NO DOG IN DE WORLD be worth 8 down. Right On! Sheeeiit. Right On! It wuz FUNNY dude! Sheeeiit. Right On! AH be worth 100 times dat much, jes' foolin' 'roun' 'n makin' de peoples laugh. Right On! 'N dats 'bout all Ah DO - make dem peoples laugh. Right On! Ah dink dats mah JOB. Right On!
So's anyway, wit Corey not fo' sale, Bo-Jangles be called some dude up north, 'n gots some dog he call't Remo. Dis wuz some neat dog, 'n 'cept fo' some lil' problems wit his own se'f - likes some bad hip 'n sum hypa' stuff in his dyroid, he'd'a worked out baaaad! But dem rules say he gotta gots de hips 'n dat hypa' stuff ain't allowed, so's den he had t' throw dis dog back up north. What it is, Mama! Bo-Jangles wuz pretty unhappy 'bout dat, see? DAT'S when he dun did dat "JIM 21" personality stuff, den, see? Dude went all berserk fo' a few hours! 'N plus, Steve wuzn't findin' no dogs fo' 'im in de "reasonable" price range. Sheeeiit. Seem't likes all dem peoples wanted lots o' bread fo' de dogs, 'n Bo-Jangles wuzn't gonna be payin' all dem dousands. Whut dat guy say? "Nuthin' Fum Nuthin' Lea' Nuthin"? Sheeeiit. Right On! If ya gots some $6000 dog fo' sale an' don' nobody buys 'im, ya still gots de $6000 dog. Right On! Right? Right. Right On! Make plenty sense t' me, homes. Right On! DAT'S when de price start comin' down, huh?
DEN, sum sho' 'nuff MAGIC be happened. Right On! We talkin' Grade-A, no-shit, ya gotta see-it-t'-reckon-it MAGIC. Right On!! Steve talked wit dis dude in Kentucky, 'n he knowed 'bout sum dog fo' sale who be PERFECT fo' Bo-Jangles! He some Belgian Malinois, 'n his dojigger be's Marco, which ain't some half bad dojigger fo' some dog fum Kentucky. Ya' know? Dis dog wuz fo' sale right away, 'n Bo-Jangles decided he wants de dog. What it is, Mama! We seen de videos 'n Ah knowed right away dat DIS dog gonna LOVE it down heah. Right On! Dem dam' Malinois be's sum SUPA FAST dogs, bro. Right On! Dey move fast, dink fast, eat fast, dey even SLEEPS fast, which be why Bo-Jangles mosey on down wit "Powa' Nap" - de dog sleep fo' 3 minutes, be likes de rest o' us gots 8 hours o' sleep. Right On! Pretty soon, we start seein' all dem unusual dings dat de Malinois be so's popular fo'. Right On! In otha' words, de dog half crazy. Right On! 'N de OTHA' half ain't 'zactly sane, neitha'. Right On!
We gave 'im some ball one day? Sheeeiit. Right On!! Dat dog 'n dat ball .... one o' dem supa' solid Cressite Kong balls? Supposed t' be "indestructable"? Dey didn't know Marco when dey said DAT shit, bro. Right On! Dat dog be done WRECKED dat ball in jus' an hour. Right On! Lil' pieces o' ball all ova' de place, 'n he had de damnedest look in his eyes. Right On! Steve didn't even THINK 'bout takin' dat ball 'way fum DAT dog, Bubba. Right On! Took 2 weeks jus' t' show de dog dat it wuz OK t' give up de ball, 'n he gonna git it back. What it is, Mama! Dat's cause o' de way dem otha' peoples worked wit Marco, see? Dey neva' seen de world out o' Marco's eyes, so's dey jus' dun did sum stuff t' make him unsure. Sheeeiit. Once he seen't dat he could trust Bo-Jangles 'n Steve, he gots right on track. Right On! Pretty soon, dey started de bite and de obedience wit de Marco dog, 'n dat wuz some sight t' BEHOLD, Bubba. Right On!
De fust bite on de roun' table, doan nobody try 'n out de dog, 'n dey jus' let 'im git calm. What it is, Mama! Well, dey coulda AXED me, 'n I'd'a tol' 'em .. Marco be ate dat sleeve fo' FO'TYSEBBINMINUTES, homes. Right On! Sheeeiit. Right On! We talkin' FO'TYSEBBINMINUTES 'o chewin', 'n thrashin', 'n wigglin' - 'n HE WUZN'T DONE YET! Right On! Cause de NEX' bite wuz about 35 minutes. Right On! 'N de one afta' DAT wuz about de same. Right On! Dat Marco be done wore Steve lil' ass OUT. Right On! Dat boy needed some friggin' RES' HOME an' TWO chiropractors, dat Marco dog done wit 'im! Right On! 'N PLUS - he be wrecked about 6 sleeve covers in about 2 weeks. Right On! Dat place look likes some disasta' wheneva' de Marco dog mosey on down off dat roun't table. Right On! He wuz flossin' his TEEFS wit de cuffs, Bubba. Right On! 'N pieces o' dem cuffs wuz all ova' de room, stickin' t' de walls 'n ceiling 'n shit, 'n all layin' aroun' 'n on Bo-Jangles 'n Steve - Marco jus' plain be CRAZY on dem bites. Right On!
Well, Bo-Jangles be put 'im on de long table, 'n dun did sum o' dat obedience wit 'im. What it is, Mama! Damn if he didn't start payin' sum 'tenshun t' Bo-Jangles, 'n actin' likes he wuz some sho' 'nuff trained dog. Right On! Bo-Jangles started wit de hot dogs, 'n ya could see dat Marco be's fallin' in love wit Bo-Jangles, 'n Bo-Jangles started actin' likes he really LIKE dat Marco dog. Right On! Ah knowed right away dat dis dog be tough enough fo' Bo-Jangles, but Ah didn't tell 'im, cause den he'd'a knowed Ah wuz watchin' all dis - 'n Ah can't be lettin' too many humans know about me, see? Well, dey dun did some lots o' obedience, 'n Marco learn't real baaaad about all dat off leash 'n hand signal shit, 'n all de control stuff in de bite. Sheeeiit.
Dey had dat dog layin 'n STAYIN' when Steve jumpin' aroun' in hi' body suit, 'n bangin' off dat gun, 'n everythin'! Dat dog wuz gettin' RIGHT, Bubba. Right On! Ah'm gonna tell ya. Right On! Not dat many dogs in de WORLD goin' lay down dere while all dat shit goin' on, Bubba. Right On! Marco be's made dat Bo-Jangles one proud dude, no shit. Ya might dink Ah be's 'zaggeratin', but dis be de straight truth. What it is, Mama! Dat dog wuz lookin' baaaad in NO time. Dey took him down by de TRAININ' wit de RES' of dem K9 peoples, an' de Marco dog be dun made Bo-Jangles PROUD! Right On! Bo-Jangles 'n Steve be's figgered his ass out right away, 'n Marco knowed he gots t' do dis stuff, 'n didn't even need his ass broke. Right On! He wuz WANTIN' t' do de work, see? Cause dat's whut gots 'im all dat PRAISE, 'n all dem HOTDOGS. Right On! De dog ain't no FOOL, Bubba. Right On! Damn if Bo-Jangles didn't gots 'bout 5 pounds o' hotdogs wit 'im when he wuz workin' de Marco dog. Right On! Lotta times, Marco gots a lil' 'ZUBERANT, likes t' took one o' Jim's FINGERS wit de hotdog, too. Right On! But he be's learn't t' be easy, 'n Bo-Jangles still gots all o' his fingers an' all. What it is, Mama! Well, lots o' funny dings be's happened wit Marco, 'n as Ah go along, guess I'll 'splain sum MO' o' 'em. What it is, Mama!
Ah 'memba' de fust day dey puts dat 'lectric on Marco, dey wuz workin him on de long table, see?, 'N he had on his chain colla', dat leatha' colla', 'n de Tritronics colla'. Sheeeiit. Right On! Bo-Jangles looked at Marco lookin' at him, see? Den he axed 'im if dat wuz his Mr. T "Starta' Kit". Right On! All KIND o' crazy shit bes happen heah, Bubba. Right On! Ah knowed right away dat dey be's mo' shit t' laugh at in de comin' days. Right On!
Soon as Marco gets de bite, he git wild 'n crazy, 'n his eyes start zoomin' 'roun' in his haid. Right On! Dem guys be's sayin' "Easy! Easy!" 'n de Marco dog be's sayin' "Sheeeiit!, Sheeeiit!". Dat's RI'! Ah seen't dis! Ah knowed dey wuz in fo' sum shit de fust time Ah seen't 'im bite! De dog bes like one o' dem guided missles, Bubba! Remind me o' a LAWS rocket o' sumpin'! De gawddamn SWAT team need about 6 o' dem Marco dogs! Cause dat Marco just plain go plum crazy when he be's fightin! Ah talked wit 'im once o' twice when nobody wuz watchin', 'n Ah'm tellin' ya... DIS dog be's ready fo' Freddy, homes!
'N it fun to watch him AFTA' a bite, too! Cause he wiggle his lil' Marco ass all up dere by Steve 'n wanna gets sum PRAISE fum HIM, too, see? Jim be dun praise 'im a lil' 'n den Steve add to de fun! Dam' dog gots mo' praise den any 6 dogs in de STATE! 'N dam' if he don' love it, too! He come all up in de office, 'n roll aroun' in Steve's lap, lean on Jim, 'n den, fo' good measure, bust somethin' o' knock ova' a can o' soda o' sumpin'. Dat dog be's a mini-disaster, jus' waitin' fo' sumpin' to disast!
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this is whatchoo want! laugh till ya faint!