Heiko Visits Bowling Green

A Trial and Table Top Training from Heiko's Viewpoint

Hi - I'm Steve.  I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet.  Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast.  Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?".  I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets.  But he's sure fun to write with.  Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me.  Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made!  He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them.  You better be able to read E-bonix!
 

Sheeeiiiit!  Sum o' ya knows me, 'n sum o' ya don', but Ah'm fittin' t' tell ya 'bout dis bran' new trainin' stuff, den ya kin see right away why Ah'm de damn luckiest dog alive!

Dat Steve dude brought me up t' Kentucky in April, 'n de fust thing we seen't was dat famous table trainer dude, Gene. Sheeeiiiit!  Steve tol' me he wuz big, but Ah guess Ah wuzn't listenin'... dis guy gotta weigh 280 pounds!

All of a sudden, peoples started movin' aroun' all dem contraptions .... some big ass table wit pipes on both ends, a roun't table wit a pipe in de middle, 'n a square table wit sum gawddamn grass on it.  Dey moved dis stuff into sum room 'n put it all together, 'n Ah wuz watchin.  Dey don' realize it, but dogs be's pretty damn perceptive.  An' Ah'm -real- perceptive!  Dat's why Ah'm Heiko!!  Sheeeiiiit!

Ah walked ova' by dat long table, 'n gots sum -vibrations- fum it, see?, den Ah could tell right away all de shit dat be dun happen't wid it!  Well, lata' dat day, Steve 'n dem peoples he wuz travelin wit came back ova' dere by Gene, see?, 'n we listened to dis dude talk fo' awhile.  It wuz 'scitin' man, lemme tell ya!  Ah think dis Gene dude be's part dog hisself, or sumpin!  A -big- part, too!  Dis guy wuz talkin' 'bout all kinda stuff don' no otha' trainers be's talkin' 'bout.  Sheeeiiiit!  Right away Ah knowed why Steve love dis fella so.  Dis wuzn't no voodoo traina' up in heah, Jack!  He be's makin' plenty sense wit dem principles o' his.  Well, here we wuz, Gene, Steve, sum lady Norma 'n her 10 year old daughter wit lockjaw, 'n sum card carryin' Cuban named Carlos, 'n Gene's numba one dude, Mike, 'n a whole buncha otha' peoples.

Now waitaminnit - Ah gotta tell ya bout dis guy Mike - think his last name be's Rankin - he one helluva dude!  Ah gots de vibrations fum him right away, 'n dat's no shit.  See, me 'n Steve be's sensitive to dis stuff, 'n if Ah likes 'im, Steve likes 'im - 'n de otha way aroun't, too.  Well, we be's in dis room wid all dese tables, 'n Gene begin to tell de peoples about sum ideas he gots.  De Cuban dude, he wuz on chemical auto pilot o' sump'n, de lady wuz so tired she jest kep' her eyes closed 'n tried not to snore, de kid wouldn't even tell nobody her name, 'n Steve wuz soakin' up whut Gene wuz sayin' like a friggin' jet fighter eatin' up abiation fuel!  It wuz pretty funny, man!  But it gets betta!

After awhile, Steve bring't his Corey dog into de room, 'n dey put his ass up dere on dat long table, see?  Gene showed 'im how t' stand, 'n how t' down, plus he started doin' sum o' dat retrieve stuff wid a glove.  Now homes, -dat- part gots me real interested, see?  Ah 'member when dey taught -me- all 'bout dat retrievin' bout 50 years ago, 'n it wuzn't no simple, easy way like -dis- shit, neitha!  Sheeeiiiit!  Dey had mah ass strung up on a leash, poppin' me wit dat prong collar, tryin' to 'lectrocute mah ass, 'n drivin' us all crazy, man!  Dis heah dog, Corey, he jes' opened his mouth, in went de glove, 'n he had sum fun, see?  Gots to bite down on dat guy's hand, 'n plus, he gots plenny PRAISE fo' it, too!  Well, guess dey said "Nuthin' Fum Nuthin' Lea' Nuthin'", 'n dey got dat dowel rod out.  De dog wuz doin' so good wit de hand part, dat it wuz time fo' de dowel.  Well, lemme tell ya - Corey got de idea fast!  Wuzn't no time at all, he wuz reachin fo de damn dowel.  Sheeeiiiit!  Ah wuz proud of 'im!  Den, afta awhile, we quit fo' de day.  Steve like to lose his mind, cause already de peoples he wuz wit wuz actin' a little crazy.  De Cuban dude takin' sum medicine, ready to lea', an' de lady talkin' sum funny shit, ya know?

De nex' day wuz a trial, 'n de Norma lady 'n her kid be done disappear't!  Sho' did!  Dey neva showed up fo' trackin' 'n we neva' heard fum 'em again, till we gots back dere by Tampa!  Carlos wuz ready to lea' 'n go home by den, 'n Steve wuz lookin' aroun' fo' sum gawddamn tranquilizers fo' his own se'f!  De trackin' wuz real good, too man!  Dey wuz 3 dogs showin', a 1 an' 2 3's.  Dat famous ol' Kentucky grass wit dem hills, think dey score't 1 95 and 2 96's.  Sheeeiiit!  'Choo don' wanna miss DAT, do ya?  We come on back by de trial field, 'n de dogs did sum good obedience, even dat ol' crazy Malinois!  Course, dey didn't do nothin' like -me- .... Sheeeiiiit!  Ah be's de on'y dog in de worl't score't 365 ... 5 times!  Sheeeiiiit!  Den dey did sum bite, 'n everybody passed wid pretty good scores.  De Judge wuz a real nice guy, 'n Steve let 'im read de whole gawddamn Heiko story, which gots 'im sho'nuff hysterical!  Ah know he be's steady lookin' fo' mah ass on de trial fields now, Jack!

De nex' day, Sunday, dey had dem damn B tes'.  Now, dat's a new one on me, homes!  Back when Ah wuz doin' trials, dey didn't have to do no B tes'.  Dey had 4 dogs fo' dem B tes' - 2 normal dogs, 'n 2 o' dem kind wit de long, pointy haids, 'n no tails.  Anyway, dat Gene dude is a helluva a guy, man!  In de second part o' de B tes', he invented sum stuff scar't de shit outa most o' de dogs, 'n all o' de handlers.  Sheeeiiiit!  Dem handlers all be's need a friggin res' home when Gene wuz done wit 'em!  Ah think dey was 'spectin sum simple, easy test, but ol' Gene surprised 'em!  Dey wuz car horns, peoples all crowded up togetha, trucks backfirin', one o' dem ghetto blasters, bicycles, joggers, engines roarin', kids goin' all nuts, sum otha' kids whuppin' de shit out sum gawddamn airline crate, people all movin' dis way 'n dat, bangin' into one anotha', yellin' ... lemme tell ya, it wuz jus' like Madison Square Garden fo' a Ali fight!  O' Los Angeles fo' a riot, but jus' wit out de guns!  De dogs wuz OK, man, but dem handlers won't no neva be de same!!  Sheeeiiiit!  Don' no question 'bout no friggin NERVES Jack, dese dogs be done gots some temperament, much shit's dey went thru dat day!

Well, de nex' day, afta' de Cuban tried fo' de 584th time t' get Steve to split, we went on up dere by de classroom, 'n Ah gots 'notha chance to look at dese famous-ass tables.  See, bein' Heiko ain't 'zactly easy, cause Ah be done figgered out dozens o' ways to have sum fun up in heah!  But waitaminnit - lemme tell ya bout dis:

Fust of all, dey had dis dog, don' know whut kind he wuz, but he was black 'n skinny 'n had dat funny hair 'n eyebrows, man!  Yeah, DAT'S RIGHT!  Eyebrows!  Ah like t' died!  Dey put his ass up on de grass table, 'n made all de peoples touch 'im 'n pet 'im, but on'y when he wuzn't growlin' 'n snappin', see?  Sheeeiiit!  Call't dat "pack support", see?  Dat funny lookin' dog be done gots de message right away, Jack!  He cut all dat shit out, 'n de peoples wuz all proud of 'im, 'n his owna near 'bouts had hisse'f a gawddamn stroke!  Heard he ate up sum people's asses at de las' seminar he wuz at, 'n now lookit 'im!  Well, dey worked on dat "turn on-turn off" stuff fo' awhile, 'n de dog wuz OK, lemme tell ya.  Ah guess if dey keep dat up, de dog prob'ly join de real world pretty soon!

Den, nex', dey brings in dat otha' dog, de Shepherd fum up dere in de Carolinas.  He wuz great, man!  Ah 'member seein' him out dere befo' we gots in de classroom, 'n lawdy, lawdy - he wuz TRACKIN, Jack!  Ah guess Gene be done fixed dey's little trackin problems, 'n prob'ly de man be's wearin' regula' old chooz to lay de track wit now, ya know?  Anyway, dey put dat dog up on de table, 'n he wuz all whinin' 'n moanin', man!  Well, dey lef' 'im dere fo' awhile, 'n he calmed down, 'n shut hi' ass up.  Ah coulda showed 'im all about hypnotizin' everybody, but Ah didn't have no time to tell 'im 'bout it.  Well, dey wuz stan'in' aroun't, 'splainin' 'n talkin' 'bout all dem behavior things, 'n den Ah gots sum IDEAS!  Ah wuz jus' standin' dere - lookin' at dat gawddamn table - 'n it wuz lookin' at me, see? - 'n Ah gots t' thinkin' .... whut if Steve put MY ass up on dat thing?  Sheeeiiit!  Well don'choo know dat's jus' whut he did!

When ev'ybody lef', ol' Steve wuz a little curious, 'n wanted t' try sum o' dat top-secret method-ology shit on MAH ass, 'n so he puts ME up dere!  Right away, Ah knowed we be's gonna have sum fun wit Steve t'day, see?  Cause Ah ain't no reg'lar dog, Jack!  Ya betta' read dis, cause dis heah be's de 100%, no shit troof!  Fust of all, Ah can LEBITATE!  Yeah!   Dat's ri'!  Dey can push my ass off de table, but Ah don' hafta fall!  Sheeeiiit!  Ah can jus' float mah ass aroun't - right dere in de air - fo' 5 o' 10 minutes, dat's no problem!  'N Ah knows all 'bout wire walkin', too!  So it wouldn't be no trick to jus' hop up on dat wire, 'n ease on down t' de OTHA' end o' de table, while dey be's figgerin' out dey NEX' move!   Sheeeiiit!  Plus, dem lil' foot shackles ain't no nothin' fo' a dog like me, see?  Ah slip out dem shackles jes' like STP, Jack!  Dat colla' ain't no nothin', neitha!  Sheeeiiit!  Ah kin jus' take my pick wit dat one, bro!  Unbuckle it, o' unbolt it!  Eitha' way, dat's de deal, see?

Well, de fun start when Steve gonna try 'n teach me de "down" which Ah been knowin' fo' 'bout 50 years.  He be's marchin' his ass all up 'n down, tryin' t' act cool, like dat Gene dude 'n dat Mike dude, 'n kinda gettin' a feel fo' whut he doin', see?  He be's tryin' to get his moo's togetha, like James Brown, o' sump'n!  De funny thing is, dat up dere, ev'ybody call ev'ybody 'n ev'ythang "Bubba"!  Dat's right!  "Hey, Bubba!  Whut's dis?", "Hey, Bubba, getcha ass ova' heah!", "Good boy, Bubba!" ... Well, musta influenced de shit outa Steve, see?, cause now he be callin' ME Bubba!  Den, he start callin Corey Bubba, too!  Sheeeiiit!  Choo see whut Ah mean?  Ain't nuttin' BUT fun, Bubba!

Well, anyways, Steve wuz sho'nuff funny, man!  Oh Lawdy, Lawdy!  Ah pray't He sen' mah soul t' Heaven, cause mah ass wuz' hysterical down in heah!  If dem otha' peoples coulda seen him tryin' to act like Gene, dey woulda sold sum tickets, man!  Sheeeiiit!  Dat boy be's tappin' on de tabletop, usin' de same words, 'n practicin' dem moves jes' like he seen't Gene do, 'n gawddamn if he didn't start t' get into de groove!  Ah wish t' God Ah had de video runnin'!  He be's walkin' all out de damn room, swingin' dem hands wit de food in 'em, 'n stoppin' up short t' pitch de food t' me, got dat ol' goofy-ass smile on his face like he be's happy, but dis smile be's a little different, see?  He wuz watchin' Gene do dat smilin' thing, 'n he took it serious, start grinnin' like he won de gawddamn lot-tree, Jack!  Ah loved it!  On'y thing Ah had sum trouble wit wuz dat "Bubba" shit.  Well, we did dat ol' "down" thing, 'n Ah didn't give 'im too much trouble, so he gots a little confident up in heah.

When we started workin' on de "Steh", Ah loosen't up, 'n ignor't 'im a few times.  Dat's when de shit got funny, den, see?  Dig dis:  befo' he could push mah ass off de table, Ah jus' stepp't off de gawddamn thang, 'n stood dere in de air.  He come runnin' aroun't de table, 'n den Ah floated ova' by de otha' side!  We kep' dis up fo' about 3 minutes, 'n Steve wuz losin' it, Jack!  See, he know Ah kin do all dis shit, but he was confident dat Ah jes' let 'im learn sum new stuff, wit'out messin' wit 'im!  Dat's when Ah decided t' play wid him a lil'.

Ah floated mah lil' ass up dere by de ceilin', den Ah roll't ova' 'n stood on it fo' awhile. Dat's ri'!  Ya kin see mah gawddamn footprints if ya go in dere 'n look - dey's right dere, above de table.  How ya think dem footprints gots dere?  Well - now ya KNOW how dey gots dere!  Dey gots dere fum ME!

Well, afta sum time o' dis, Steve figgered dat maybe he jus' strap me in wit de collar 'n de shackles, 'n go on 'bout his biniss, t' let me "stabilize" fo' awhile.  Sheeeiiit!  'Member who AH AM, Jack!  SheeeeeeeeiiIT!

Fust, Ah slipped out dem lil' shackles 'n out de collar 'bout 2 minutes afta' he lef', 'n Ah fired up a Snarlboro.
Den Ah wen' out dere 'n mixed mahse'f a kingsize GE Special - Mella Yella 'n Ebbin William!
Dat wuz sum shit, bro!
Gots me a buzz 'bout de size o' Memphis!
Ebbin be's not foolin' wit yo' ass!
Den, Ah went in dere where Sandy keep all dat mail order stuff?
Ah moved ev'ythin' aroun' to de wrong places!
Dat wuz fun, see?
De nex' time dat gal go reach fo' a 6' leash, she comin' up wit a gawddamn prong collar!
'N den, Ah turn't on de computa, 'n change't a few people's addresses 'n phone nummas!
Guess dat'll keep Sandy on her toes nex' week!

Well, afta dat, Ah wen' out 'n found dat dude's chooz wit dem scent dojigger thangs on 'em.
Dey wuz in his truck, 'n wuz plum full o' dat beef scent!
Ah brought 'em in de trainin' room, 'n nail't 'em up on de wall, see?
Fo' a distraction, o' an attraction, whicheva' way ya want!

LAWDYGAWDABOVE!

Den, Ah gots sho'nuff creative!  Wen' out dere 'n foun't dat skinny-ass black dog wit de funny hair, 'n talked him inta followin' me into de table room!  Got him all up on de otha end o' de gawddamn long table, 'n buckle't 'im up.  Told 'im we wuz jus' tryin' a lil' joke on Bubba, see?

'Bout dat time, all de otha dogs heards me talkin' 'bout "Bubba", 'n dey all went apeshit out dere!  Dat goddamn Malinois swallow't three tennis balls, Jack!  Wit de damn ropes attached!

Den, we heard de cars all comin' down de drive fum de restaurant, 'n Ah knew Ah betta gets mah ass back inta de damn colla' real quick, see?  Well, Ah wuz in such a rush, Ah accidentally hook't one o' de restraints t' mah BACK foot.  Sheeeiit!  Ah know Ah looked real guilty when dey came in de doo', wit one front foot an' one back foot all hooked up, 'n de colla' 'bout half-ass loose on mah neck!  Sheeeiiit!

But dey wuz so busy wit de black dog, goin' all crazy wonderin' how in de hell HE gots up in heah, plus, dem damn chooz wuz hangin' dere on de wall, 'n dat dude says "Dem's MINE!", 'n den, in a few minutes, Sandy come in, face all red an' shit, lookin' pissed, cause Ah forgots to turn off de gawddamn computa' ..... Den de phones all started ringin', black dog forgot all dat "turn on-turn off" shit 'n fired up on EV'YBODY, dem chooz wuz stinkin' up de whole room wit all dat gawddamn beef shit drippin' out of 'em, sum lady showed up wit one o' dem skinny haid dogs wit no tail, peoples wuz settin' up dey gawddamn video cameras, 'n sum of 'em wuz sayin' "Bubba" dis an' "Bubba" dat, 'n ev'ybody lookin' aroun' t' see who de fuck dey's talkin' to ... Sheeeiiiit!  It wuz a real party, man!  All hell wuz breakin' loose!

Well, jus' 'bout dat time, Ah wuz ready fo' Freddy, see?  Dat ol' Ebbin be done whupped mah ASS, Jack!

Ah wuz ready t' turn off de gawddamn GRABITY, man!!!

So den Ah hypnotized ev'ybody in de room, took de black dog off de gawddamn table, put 'im in a gawddamn crate, put de Dobe up where Ah wuz, woun't all de video tapes fas' fo'ward, gots me 'notha shot o' Ebbin - a double -  'n Ah ran back in dere by de computa' 'n turn't it on AGAIN! Sheeeiiit!

Den, Ah went out by de kennels, 'n brought two MO' dogs in dere, 'n hook't 'em up on de roun't table 'n de grass table!  Ah wuz havin' so much gawddamn fun, Ah coulda been in Hebbin, Bubba!!  It wuz betta' den Wreck Poker any daySheeeiiiit!

Ah rewound de answerin' machine, 'n took de gawddamn phones offa de hook, den Ah went t' de groomin' room, 'n switched all de shampoo bottles fo' creme rinse bottles!  Den, Ah poured 'bout 15 gallons o' shampoo down de gawddamn drain, Jack, waitin' on dem peoples t' start flushin' sum toilets!!  Dem bubbles'll be's out in de street, 'n den dey find out jus' 'zactly how concentrated dat shampoo IS!!  'Cause dat septic tank fittin' t' bubble its gawddamn lid off, Jack!

Ah ran down t' de trial field, 'n took all de bulbs outa de lights, came back up t' de office, 'n got dat funny lookin' body suit out, went back t' de trainin' room, 'n dressed up dat gal fum de Carolinas in it!  Looked like de Pillsbury Dough Man, Bubba!  Sheeeiiiit!  Ah wuz groovin' by den, see?

So den, Ah decide't to put Carlos on one end o' de long table, t' he'p 'im stabilize!  Dat way, maybe we could stay a few mo' hours wit'out 'im sayin' it's time t' go, see?  Ah buckle't 'im up, got de restraints on 'im, 'n den, Ah stuck de gawddamn glove in his mouth fo' good measure!  'N den, Ah wokes ev'ybody up.

Ah think ya knows whut happened den, dontcha?  Dat shit made de front page o' de Bowling Green papa', de Nashville papa' an' de Memphis papa', Bubba!  Choo JUS' DON'NO!!  But if ya don't - den ya betta read de nex' adventure o' Heiko, when Ah meets up wit sum mo' o' dem supa dog peoples fum all ova' de world - like Louie 'n Moe!  If ya be's wonderin' why Gene MOO'ED, now ya KNOW.

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