Heiko's Story Begins
Hi - I'm Steve. I got the job of typing up Heiko's story, because he doesn't use a word processor yet. Heiko talks, I type, but sometimes he gets going a little fast. Usually, he sits around drinking beer, and he's always asking me "whut's de las' thing ya wrote?". I've discovered with Heiko, the more beer he drinks, the bigger the buzz, and the more outrageous he gets. But he's sure fun to write with. Heiko is an amazing dog - he banks by touch tone phone, he can levitate, and he knows how to hypnotize people, except for me. Heiko really did all the things you're going to read about, and he actually came home one day with every Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy album ever made! He's crazy about Richard and Eddie, and he sounds exactly like them. You better be able to read E-bonix!
C H A P T E R O N E
It was Thursday. I ripped open a fresh deck of Snarlboros, leaned back, and fired up. Waitin' around for a bite just don't make my day. They don't know I smoke, and I'd just as soon keep it that way.
Memories come tumbling through my mind. The day they set me up for the "out", that weird Gene England seminar up in Kentucky, tracking through those ditches filled with 9 feet of mud, the fat, dumb shit who came in from Germany talkin' about precision obedience .... well, I guess a dog's not supposed to forget those things. An' I damn sure didn't.
Let me introduce myself. Some know me as A Dog Called Stud, some call me Heiko. Anyone who ever met me calls me baaad. And I live up to my rep, too. I live with a family of 3 - Pop, my sometimes-asshole-handler, Ma, who spends her best hours in the kitchen, and the kid - a 6 year old disguised as Mike Lino. The kid's funny, though. Maybe I'll get to him later.
It's a strange life for a dog who thinks and reasons like me. See, I must be some kind of super dog, because I've always understood humans. Even though I've been through the show scene, the trial scene, the seminar scene, the movie scene, and every other scene you could possibly go through, nobody has caught on to the fact that I'm not a regular dog. The rest of 'em can't even add, I use a calculator, for Christ's sake. I'm trilingual, understand English, German, and Soul .... spent awhile in Florida with some dude Steve who thinks he be's Richard Pryor 'n Eddie Murphy sometimes. I don't guess there's 10 words in the world I can't understand. And, plus, I learned real early how to reason. Screw that association stuff - I got a brain up there, and I use it, Jack. I can dial the phone, hide stuff in seconds, help myself to food without making a sound, I can even buy cigarettes down at the QuikStop - no problem. I drink moderately, don't use drugs, and I've got a secret bank account that nobody'll ever find out about. It's all done by touch-tone phone.
Now, it IS pretty hard knowing all this stuff, but not being able to talk to most humans. But I've found some, and I can talk to them, plus, they keep my secret. I used to leave notes around for my family to find, but that got a little freaky, with all that ghost shit, and nobody believing I wrote them, ya know? So I stopped that pretty quick. I mean, why rock the boat, right?
Well, Pop has gotten a little crazy since I did that deal in Germany. See, I was studying his Art of Hypnosis book, and it was pretty interesting. So when we went to Germany, I hypnotized the judges - just for fun, see? - and got those fat, pompous ass bastards to score me a 365. Shit, all the peoples went friggin' WILD .... so I did it 4 more times. You can't get mad at a dog for havin' a little fun, can ya? They near abouts had a riot at them dog clubs! I heard a rumor that the SV in Augsburg did some real strange things to those 5 judges. I think they got "corrected", or something. Well, this can happen sometimes, right?
So anyway, here I am, 5 times 365 points - SchH III, the talk of the nation, and Pop has finally lost his head completely. Now he dresses different, smells different, acts different, everything. I mean, he won't even put a prong on me anymore. You ought to see him put a slip collar on me. Shit - he acts like we just got married now. But lemme fire up another butt, and I'll tell you something - it's not all fun and games. I'll give you an example:
Last month, October, they advertised me for stud in some of their dog magazines. That was about 6 months after we did that first movie, "A Dog Called Stud", and Pop was gettin' RICH! He was going to the bank 6 times a DAY! The phone rang off the friggin hook. If I could have found the .45, I would have blown it apart. Bitches started flying in from everywhere. Pop was practically LIVIN' at the airport. The kennels looked like a bloodbath, for Christ's sake. The rest of the guys were out of their minds, with dozens of bloody bitches from one end of the kennel to the other. Looked like something out of a bad dream. I took one look around and puked. Ma kept me pumped full of vitamins and extra food, and they locked me in with these mangy sluts one after the other.
So you're probably thinkin'.... what the hell's he complaining about? Most males would love it, right? Sheeeiit .... Half of these rotten bitches can't talk, don't wash, they never learned to think, and who knows WHEN'S the last time they had a bath or a grooming? They must've been eating some kind of strange shit back home - cause it's makin' 'em fart and they're stinking up the whole place. A couple of 'em got a little nervous when I stepped in the kennel, pissed all over the floor, and then had the nerve to LAY in it. Would YOU get off on a bitch covered in piss? Not me! None, not even ONE of them, wore anything special - no pretty collars, no perfume, no nothin'. I was bein' real polite, asked one of them, "So, what's happenin', bitch?" She just stood there lookin' real defensive - it was like talking to a wall. Pissed AND shit on herself. You ever try humping a bitch covered in shit? Then - how 'bout these kinky ones who wear muzzles? Fine leather basket muzzles .... YEAH! Well, by the end of the week, after I screwed half the bitches in America, they gave me a rest from that shit. Of course, they don't know it, but I got a little creative there, 'long about the 12th bitch. I just hypnotized everybody, let Marko and Fax out of their runs, and they did some screwin', too. I told 'em they could handle my light-weight stuff, and they were surely grateful. I can't be workin' that hard for a bowl of food and a handful of vitamins, ya know? It's just not in my character, dig? It's a damn good thing those guys look like me, or we'd ALL be in some deep shit when some of those puppies show up. Hahaha. Now I better pray Pop don't find out somehow, or I'll be back in the K-9 slavery business again. It takes a week just to get the stink of those ugly bitches off me, ya know?
So, anyways, I was layin' in the house the other day, drinkin' a few Beck's - gettin' a great lil' buzz - the phone rang, and it was that dude Hercules - the movie producer. Course, I can always hear both sides of a conversation, without holding the phone, see? Cause my hearing's so good. So, he says he's gonna be ready to go to work on the sequel to "A Dog Called Stud" sometime in January. Pop sat around shootin' the breeze, hemmin' and hawin' about money and all that stuff. Next thing I know, they're talkin' about shooting in Germany, France, the US, and Mexico. Now, lemme tell you something - you think it's easy bein' a star? Sheeeiit .... I ain't no Poor-Ree-Can, bro'.... you ever been in a number 500 crate in the bottom of one of these "pressurized" planes for 9 hours? Huh? Pressurized my ass. It's COLD in there. And dark, and boring, too. Now, you KNOW I don't be stayin' in the crate. I just hypnotize one of those airline flunkies, he opens the door, and once we get movin' - I'm out and about. Or sometimes, just for fun, I open it myself. Can't let Pop know about that one, or he'll be inventin' somethin' "dogproof".. hahaha! I've had many a drunken party in the bottom of an airplane, lemme tell you! I always let the other dogs out for awhile, too. Some of them are OK - some are just assholes. It's fun listening to their owners back at baggage claim .... can't figure out why ol' Fido looks drunk, see? Or how the hell Fifi's hairdo got all messed up and she stinks like cigarette smoke.
One day, think we were headed for Colorado or someplace, I only had 2 dogs for company. Let 'em out right away, see? So, we all did a lil' drinkin', smoked a few butts, and I decided to let some of them cats out too. There were 4 of 'em. It was pretty exciting! We never did find 2 of 'em. The owners went friggin' BERSERK back there at baggage claim. I never knew a cat could open his eyes that wide, man! I bet those peoples won't NEVER bring little kitty-kitty along again. Ya shoulda seen it - that big ass Dalmation, what's his name? - Spot or somethin'? - tryin' to hump that cat on top of a gawddamn 26" Samsonite. One of them real HARD ones that can't never break, man! It was awesome. Guy's got a real sense of humor, ya know?
Long time ago, don't remember 'zactly, I got into a great game of Wreck-Poker with a bunch o' dogs were at that big ass show in some Garden. They were all hyped up from the show, feelin' pretty crazed, and we took off from New York, see? So, soon as we started movin', I turned 'em all loose.
Well, if you never seen Wreck-Poker, you don't know WHAT you're missin', man! Sheeiiit - it's the best card game in the gawddamn world! See, what we do is, we play poker, just like Ma and Pop do .... and then the winner gets to wreck a suitcase. But the rules say that he's gotta REALLY wreck the gawddamn thing! If he don't do enough to it, we just all jump in there and help a little. Ol' smelly underpants 'n shit all over the place, suits with pockets ate off, cologne bottles smashed on the floor, makeup thrown all around - it's excitin' man, lemme tell ya! Sometimes we pack all that shit back in the suitcase for a "delayed reaction" - but mostly we just leave it all layin' around. We don't even try to keep the noise down, cause the plane makin' plenty of that, see? Then, we all get a real laugh when we land, see? Cause none of those flunkies can figure out what the hell happened! See, by then, we're all back in our crates, doors locked, lookin' real innocent or pukin' or somethin'! And these fat-ass, big legged, baggage draggin' fools got a king-size mess on their hands. It's real funny, man, cause the airlines gotta PAY for all that shit. Once, after a real blow-out, I heard 'em all talkin' in the airport. They was tryin' to blame it all on gawddamn UFO's or unregulated pressure or somethin'.... peoples is crazy, ya know?
Never will forget the time we stuck that Pit Bull in a crate with a cat .... that was the craziest thing, man! Gawddamn cat chewed his ear off, bro! That ol' pit was talkin' some big shit, but he got his ass whupped! Cost me $31 and a dozen Liver Snaps, man! Shoulda seen the dude when the pit showed up at baggage claim. Man wasn't abouts to believe it! Blood runnin' all out the crate, dog was screamin', got all the rest of 'em singin' 'n howlin', somebody's voice was callin' for a vet on that PA system, peoples was goin' all crazy, they had some Paramedics standin' around - they wouldn't TOUCH the bastard, man! The dude was losin' his mind, screamin' about suin' this airline, porters was rushin' all around, then the dude turned the dog LOOSE! Well, you never SEEN'T so many peoples move so fast, bro! I was just sittin' in my crate watchin', see? Pit dragged his ass outa that gawddamn crate, couldn't see where he was goin', cause of all that blood was in his eyes, see? So he staggered around a little, tryin' to get some sympathy - that didn't work - went over by that Hertz counter, and PISSED. Yeah, he did! Well, that's when the Police showed up, then, see? Now them Police wasn't born no FOOL, right? So, anyways, THEY wasn't abouts to touch that dog, neither. They asked real polite - "WHO OWNS THE DOG? " Then, this crazy dude starts yellin' at THEM, won't put his dog back in the gawddamn crate! Blood was everywhere, man, cars was gettin' in wrecks all outside the doors out there, one of them elevators stopped runnin', it was real crazy, man! Newspaper peoples started showin' up - they stayed real far away from that pit, man - peoples was takin' pictures with they gawddamn cameras, little kids were screamin', a few peoples passed out .... that airport'll never be the same! I heard the airline had to pay about $320,000 for all that shit, man! But gawddamn - it was fun! Never will forget that one! Pop liked it, too. We showed up real late for wherever we was goin' but we all had a great time. See, it's days like that that make me glad I'm Heiko, instead of a regular dog, ya know? When I think back on all that stuff I started, and all those creative scenes I caused, I'm real glad Steve is writing this stuff for me. Cause if ANYBODY gets in trouble for all this shit, it won't be me!
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this is whatchoo want! laugh till ya faint!