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"Home (we really don't) Care"

the cash pump game
 
 

 

The opinions, humor, and sarcasm contained herein reflect my own, personal opinions and viewpoints. 

The First Amendment of the Constitution adequately, particularly, and specifically provides

my right to my own, personal opinions and viewpoints.

First of all, have you got ANY idea where you are?  Well, I'll remind you.  You're in the AMUSEMENT section of my website.  If you thought you were someplace else, you need to try another brand of think.

Getting older is a bitch.  It happens to all of us sooner or later, usually it's later.  Depending on circumstances, it could be sooner.

But the good news is that we have government assistance.  See, it works like this: you work all your life, maybe 35-40 years, and you pay all those taxes.  I suggest that you don't ever sit down and figure out that you probably paid about $17 million in taxes - you're gonna feel real bad if you ever add it all up.  Then, when you get older and something happens to you, you can't work any more.  That's when that tax money you paid comes back to help you.  If you believe that, then you probably believe Charles Manson got out of jail last week, too.

I'll explain some of it.  Here's an example: MEDICARE and MEDICAID.  I've got one of each, (I think), and MEDICAID takes real good care of me.  Even though their rules change every 48 hours, I know I can depend on them.  And if you believe that, then you probably believe that 9/11 never happened at all.  I don't even know what MEDICARE does, I can't understand all that complex stuff, but at least I have it.  That's what counts.  I have all these official cards, and don't have a clue what they mean, or what to do with them.

Here's some of what MEDICAID does (I think):

They got me a DOCTOR.  She was a dominant bitch - I'll just call her Dr. Sogo.  That's REAL close to her real name.  Maybe she'll read this someday, she'll know who I mean.  She slowly and patiently got to know all about me - that took her about 12 seconds.  That's the sign of a good, caring, professional doctor - get to KNOW your new patient.  In less than 3 minutes, she stuck her finger in my face and ANNOUNCED, "I'm putting you on Effexor!" 

Hold on - I've already BEEN on Effexor - it doesn't do a thing for me, except make me walk into walls.  I don't have enough problems, I need to walk into walls, too? 

I guess I screwed up.  I had the nerve to politely (and I truly was polite) disagree with Dr. Sogo - plus, I've got TWO, not one, unopened bottles of this Effexor medicine here - probably a couple hundred capsules.  I figure I paid for them, so I'll save them for a rainy day, and use them for fertilizer for the weeds in my yard or something.

Fact:  I don't like people coming here unannounced.  Often, I don't feel well, and I'm in bed.  It took them close to a year to get my phone number in "the system".

Dr. Sogo apparently did some planning and thinking.  For a few weeks, strangers were coming over here without calling.  They were "Specialists", which Dr. Sogo gave "orders" to.  But wait - what do I need with these "Specialists"?  I don't know why Xray technicians and physical therapists and other unpronounceable "professionals" are showing up here .... yes I do!  THEY CAN SEND THE BILLS TO MEDICAID!  They found an ACCOUNT!  They found a CASH PUMP! 

  

Sogo had one chance, she's not coming here anymore - I want no part of a doctor who doesn't care about me.  Time for a different doctor.  A few months later, they sent out a male doctor.  He's a really nice guy.  At least this one actually asks questions and listens sometimes.  He's been here 3 times, and only one thing makes me nervous.  He writes more prescriptions than two drug stores can handle in a day.

I want to say this: I am not prejudiced.  All people are created equal, but some people BEHAVE differently than others.  Therefore, that's a pile of shit.  If all people are created equal, then how come some people don't know how to think?  Please explain that one to me.

Did I mention food stamps?  I qualify for food stamps, too.  For a long time, they gave me $22 per month.  Ever meet anybody that could live on $22 worth of food per month?  Now I think I get more, but I'm not positive.  I could find out, but that's one full day's work.  You have to call a phone number.  It has a recording with about 76 different choices in different languages.  If you press the wrong number - even just once - you could die, right there on the phone.  If you start all over again, it's too late - the office is closed for the day.  Better days are coming, or so I've been told.

MEDICAID is helping me so much, that I qualify for "home care".  That's right!  I'm supposed to get 8 hours of "home care" every week.  Four hours - twice a week.  So far, that's happened about 5 times.  Can you count to 8?  I can count to 8.  Before you get the wrong ideas, let's clarify that. 

I'm supposed to get some help with certain things I can't do.  I don't care how nosy you are, it's enough to say that I have some medical issues which are none of your Goddamn business.  There are some things I just can't do anymore.  "Home care" is supposed to take care of that.

Now it's time to introduce Affinity Health Services, featuring Stephanie, Kelly, and a whole collection of other winners.  I've been slowly working on this page for over 5 months, and today is the day!  It's close to the end of February, 2008, and the time has COME!

At first, they either send somebody out to "interview" you, or they just do it on the phone.  I really don't recall, there have been too many headaches since Affinity Health Services entered my life. 

If you're thinking lucidly, that's actually called "marketing" or "selling".  The one that interviews you has some intelligence, can actually speak English, and she can articulate fairly well.  She knows exactly what to say to gain your trust.  That's a big part of "selling".  That's why she's actually in sales or marketing.  Unfortunately, that's not the person they send to your home to provide "home care" - oh no - no way. 

I'd like to introduce some Affinity Health Services "home care professionals" - the women who are supposed to actually provide "home care" - but there have been so many, I can only remember about 8 names.  Affinity Health Services goes through them like running water.  Here today, gone next week. 

Some of them have told me what goes on "behind the scenes" at Affinity Health Services.  They're great stories.  I learned a lot about how Affinity Health Services operates their business.  It's enough to give me nightmares.

The very first Affinity Health Services "home care professional" wrecked my new vacuum cleaner.  Clouds of smoke filled the room, rubber and plastic melted - it's a unique smell.  I was in my bedroom, asleep.  She woke me up to tell me something was wrong with the vacuum cleaner.  What's wrong with the vacuum is the person using it - that's what's wrong.  She didn't just burn up the belt, either.  The spinner brush part actually melted, too.

About 6 months later, two other Affinity Health Services "home care professionals" did the same thing to my other vacuum cleaners.  Obviously, these brilliant, well-trained women just don't understand how to use a vacuum.  I wonder if they do this to their own vacuum cleaners?  They probably can't smell burning rubber and plastic - too busy with their cell phones.  Now I have three broken vacuums.  The Affinity Health Services "home care professionals" don't have to worry about vacuuming anymore.  They'll find something else to break soon.

Not too long ago, a different Affinity Health Services "home care professional" was assigned to me.  She worked at a different "home care" client before coming here, so when she arrived, she was tired.  She stretched out on my big chair and ottoman and talked on her cell phone for for an hour, then slept for three hours.  Not bad!  You can be certain Affinity Health Services collected from the cash pump, too.

I need a job like that.  Where do I sign up?  I'll just work from home!

Another one from Affinity Health Services came here with her boyfriend.  She had no car, and he had no place in particular to go, so they spent four hours, drinking my sodas, and complaining about their crack dealer neighbor.  And would you believe this?  The crack dealer got them evicted from their apartment!  I'm sure Affinity Health Services got paid for the 4 hours, though.

A different Affinity Health Services "home care professional" had amazing hands and nails.  I honestly believe she must have spent $400 having her nails done.  No wonder she didn't want to touch or do anything.  She might damage her nails.  She had no problem using her cell phone though.

There are plenty more.  I'm lucky, because all that money I paid in taxes is helping me now.  There's only been about $800 in damages to my belongings so far, and nobody is responsible at Affinity Health Services.  Just think of how much more stuff can be wrecked as times goes on.

Most of the women who are sent here by Affinity Health Services are truly amazing.  Almost all of them have $15,000. worth of jewelry on their hands.  Is it any wonder that some of the coating has been literally scraped off my refrigerator door?  The refrigerator is about 2 years old - never a mark on it until Affinity Health Services arrived.

If I dare to call the Affinity Health Services owner, she sounds like she'd like to KILL me, right on the phone.  She doesn't want to hear about any problems - she just wants that cash pump to keep pumping.  THAT was perfectly clear to me.  That's how I learned not to complain.  As long as I'm nice and quiet, she can bill MEDICAID for the "services" her Affinity Health Services "home care professionals" aren't providing. 

Did you know that a $9.99 drive thru car wash costs $100.00?  It's true!  I explained to another Affinity Health Services "home care professional" exactly which car wash to bring my van to, exactly what to have done, exactly what it would cost, and gave her the only cash I had that day:  a $100 bill.  She had her cell phone and my phone number, so she certainly could have called me.  She came back 3.5 hours later with this:

ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?  The van hadn't even been vacuumed.  I never asked for "hand wash" or "detail".  I asked for a simple, drive thru $9.99 wash and vacuum.  She put about 90 miles on the van, too.  The car wash I specified is 5 miles from here - I've gone there for years.  $9.99 - wash and vacuum.

The fun continues, and it's really my fault.  I just don't have the kind of personality to say, "Look, bitch - are you here to work, or talk on your fucking cell phone and argue with your boyfriend?  If this is how you "work", get your fat, lazy ass out, and don't come back."  I can't seem to bring myself to confront someone in that way.

I guess it's easier to do it on a webpage than in person.  Well, I'm learning.  Maybe one day soon ....

I recently discovered I have a case worker.  After almost 4 years, I have someone to call with my dumb questions.  Before that, I thought I had a case worker, but when I called the number, the recording said it was no longer in service. 

Sometime around 5 months ago, while patiently waiting for those "better days", a very nice Affinity Health Services "home care professional" was "permanently" assigned to me.  She was great.  Her name is Lynda.  Almost 21 years old, she's even crazier than me, and a magician with her cell phone.  She can send 16 text messages, and argue with 3 people on the cell phone, all at once, while she scrambles eggs, and cooks bacon!  I liked her, and she took her job seriously.  For months, she was working out just fine, so Affinity Health Services assigned her someplace else.  Then she was supposed to be re-assigned to me, but that was another Affinity Health Services fairy tale.  Lynda really is OK.  She doesn't bust up my belongings, and I can trust her with cash.  Once, she drove my van - I don't think she ever drove a van before.  It took her about 27 minutes to back out of the driveway - about 75 feet - and about 4 minutes to go to the store and return.  We sure laughed about that one.  Lynda was a very nice, decent person, and I'll truly miss her.  We always had a laugh about something or another.

I think the next Affinity Health Services "home care professional" that came here stayed about 6.5 minutes.  She was terrified of all the knives and guns.  So she called and reported that fabricated story to her office.  (I heard all about it later.)  But there's a problem with her story:  there ARE no knives or guns visible around my house.  The few remaining weapons which I haven't sold are put away in secure places to prevent their disappearance by Affinity Health Services "home care professionals" or others.  I had a .45 Colt stolen once, (that incident had nothing to do with Affinity Health Services), and I've kept my weapons well out of sight ever since.  Besides, what kind of idiot leaves guns and knives laying around?  Not me.  I might be a little crazy, but an idiot I'm not.  

Today, some other Affinity Health Services stranger showed up (naturally, no phone call).  I never know what the hell is happening from day to day, because nobody ever bothers to call and tell me.  It's too much of a problem to call and say, "Steve, Lynda is sick today.  We'll send someone else, unless you'd like to wait until Thursday?" 

But they have no problem billing the CASH PUMP!

2/19/2008:  Today, I finally built up enough courage to call my case worker.  I discovered I can change agencies!  Affinity Health Services no longer has an affinity for me.  They have been officially disconnected from my cash pump. 

Isn't that amazing?  A new company is scheduled to start soon.  My personal experiences and opinion of Affinity Health Services can be summed up in one word - traumatic.  (with the singular exception of Lynda) 

I'd strongly suggest that Affinity Health Services never has anyone call ME for a recommendation. 

A very special THANK YOU to Stephanie and her staff of "professionals" from Affinity Health Services.  You won't be forgotten.  I won't be sending a Christmas card, either.  Someday, I'll repair my vacuums and find my "misplaced" belongings.

9/2/2008:  It never ends.  Add two more "Home (we really don't) Care" companies to the list.  Utopia and Bayada.  And include countless lies, fraud, and forgery, too.  Did I just type "fraud" and "forgery"?  Yes, I did.  A home care worker turned in a time sheet for 8 hours, she actually worked for 3 hours.  She also signed my name to the sheet, which I never saw at all.  What is the correct word when someone else signs your name?  I thought that's called "forgery".  Am I mistaken?  

Excuse me for a moment, and pay attention to this suggestion.  Whatever you do, do NOT get older, and do NOT become disabled in any way.  Do anything you have to - join a rock band, buy a jet, or have a sex change - whatever it takes.  Just do NOT reach the point in life where government agencies can begin to confuse you.  Once it starts, there's no end.  They have "programs" - which they don't even understand - and they admit it!  Their rules change every few days.  I'm convinced the entire purpose of these "programs" is to confuse you.  Once you're completely baffled and bamboozled, you don't even want any programs anymore, you just want to get off the phone, lay down, and read a book.  By then, you're sure it's going to take 3 days to recover, unless they call you back to confuse and bewilder you some more.

Every "program" has a name, but who knows the actual name or meaning?  They're all cryptically referred to like: "QHCB" or "GACC3W".  Anyone knows the "GACC3W" program is different than the "GARA3W" program, but what does it all mean?  It's so confusing, I can lose 5 pounds on the phone - within 12 words after "Hello?" 

They also send you official looking letters.  It's nice to get mail, if you can understand it.  These programs don't ever send letters you can understand.  That's the whole idea!  Instead, the letters look like top secret coding, 6 pages of paper, and you can comprehend possibly one sentence every so often to keep you interested.  They usually have a notice on them - "If you have any questions, call:" - of course, there's no number printed there. 

That's when you go back to the toll free number with 76 menu choices, pray you don't make a mistake, and hope you start at 5:00am, so you might speak to someone before 5:00pm.

A PROVEN SOLUTION

There is a sensible solution to this situation.  GET MARRIED.  Do NOT get married for love, lust, or any reason other than MONEY.  When I say "money" I do not mean a few hundred thousand, or a few million.  I'm referring to Bill Gates size money, or maybe the owner of Wal-Mart.  The choice is yours, but think it over.  Don't waste time fooling with little kiddy type money - go for the real cash. 

Ultimately, you'll thank me for this idea.  Nothing in the world compares to having enough cash to buy an entire city if you want to.  The concept of "home care" becomes absurd when you own a city, and everyone in it.  Why should you settle for 3 jets and 6 limousines when you could own both companies?  Why settle for anything?  With enough cash, just buy whoever you choose, and re-enact a modern form of high paying slavery.

If you're not laughing, just ask for a refund.  Maybe MEDICARE will pay for it! 

More coming - stay tuned!

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