I Don't Think So

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.  "Honey, could you fix the light in the hall?  It's been flickering for weeks now."  He looks at her and says angrily, "Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead?  I don't think so."

"Fine.", she says, then asks, "Could you fix the fridge door?  It won't close right."  He replied, "Fix the fridge door?  Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?  I don't think so."

"Fine.", she says, then asks, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?  They're about to break."  "I'm not a carpenter and I don't fix steps.", he said.  "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead?  I don't think so.  I've had enough of you!  I'm going to the bar!  I'll be home when it closes!"

He goes to the bar, watches football all day and most of the night, drinking the whole time.  He's gone for nearly 10 hours.  Then he feels bad about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are fixed.  As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.  As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey?", he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, right after you left, I sat outside and cried.  A nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him everything.  He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"

She replied, "Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?  I don't think so."

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the witness stand. 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.  I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. 

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Yes, I certainly do.  I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.  One of them was your wife.  Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench.  In a very quiet voice he said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Parking Lot Scam

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. 

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.

While you're distracted, the other one gets into the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. 

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you, while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. 

This is when they steal your wallet. 

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

Two Important Lessons

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800. to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands there, naked in front of Bob.  After a minute, Bob hands her $800. and leaves.

The woman wraps up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor", she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:  If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in the proper time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.  But, after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized, "Sorry Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, "Go forth and seek.  Further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:  If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.